Talkers And “Quiet Ones”
Over Christmas with my extended family, I found myself feeling sorry for perpetual talkers. They really are missing out!
I guess everyone “reverts to type” in these situations, and true to form I found that I was much quieter than I am in my everyday life in London. A few people seemed to want to talk almost continually – and to me, it just didn’t seem worth the effort to fight for airspace.
My research – at home and elsewhere – suggests that talkers often find it very uncomfortable to keep quiet. If they have an opinion, they feel compelled to share it with other people. If there is silence, they feel compelled to fill it with speech.
They don’t seem to notice whether anyone is listening, as long as another talker is around to bounce against. What matters is saying their piece, not hearing what the other person has to say.
Real influence in the real world, of course, requires the ability to both talk and listen. (See http://bit.ly/VKV82b for more on this.) And I think it’s much easier for “quiet ones” to learn to speak than it is for talkers to learn to listen.
The problem is that talkers think they are fabulous listeners – because they talk over anyone who tries to tell them differently. They have no idea what they are missing!
Meanwhile the “quiet ones” have the opportunity to take in so much more. We can appreciate the sound of a crackling fire, or birdsong. We can listen to the talkers, or be at peace with our own thoughts while the conversation goes on around us.
And if we choose to, we can hear the people who can teach us the tricks of the talking trade.
What’s more, it’s our secret. The talkers will never notice
Comments from original on judyrees.co.uk
Ellen
29 December 2012
A couple of years ago I saw Into Great Silence documentary about trappist monks. They made a fair chatter when they got out on Sunday afternoon once a week. I mean the solitary can tend to talk. A lot in a group is about the roles and routines of the group. Have been in groups which would not hear me if I shouted (well raised substantially) as I was not the raconteur – other groups where I have been told “I love to hear you talk”. Now I live in an Asian country where silence is considered pretty normal between people for example while eating. I live alone and talk voraciously when I can find an interlocuter, much more so than when I lived with people and in my own country. The Ancient Mariner syndrome innit. The other thing in the mix is Thich Nat Hanh and mindful listening. This is a rather long comment but Judy I enjoyed watching 3 of your demos on you tube and was blown away by reading James Lawlor and Penny Tomkins book, look forward to getting hold of yours. Oh another thing was bodging. There was a comedy group called the Bodgers at the edinburgh festival. I never saw their show. But I decided what Bodging was. It means deliberately mistaking the cues of a role-bound and predictable conversation. So long as you have good relationships with the people involved and they realise you are not dissing them it can liven up those routine gatherings. Eg x says “I like your shirt.” you say “Mm. I really like you..” (I mean only if there is nothing special about the shirt as so often there isn t).
trine moore
4 January 2013
Talk Talk, a brand,and not by chance.
a coach journey, to london, my collegue talked at first it was interesting, so i made some inputs or so i hoped.
the talk continued, more attempts on my part more futility,
so i stopped the talk continued, driving through the red light at speed, intoxicated by her own words. i moved seat.
a few minutes later the incessant stopped, unlike political argument. That rendition continues,to our cost.
antje
7 January 2013
“They don’t seem to notice whether anyone is listening, as long as another talker is around to bounce against”
I was in a similar situation at Christmas and found it astonishing that the tv served as the other talker to bounce against, if nobody present in the room did.