The Fast-Track To Clear Answers in a Crisis
Paraphrasing is taught as the gold standard of active listening, but in a crisis it can actually slow you down - and wind people up.
If you’re keen to get to the facts, quickly, there’s a better way. What’s more, it can calm people down, which can be very useful in an emergency.
Here’s what to do.
Use their words first. Paraphrase (if necessary) a little later.
For example, imagine you find an elderly relative in obvious pain. “It’s been going on and off all night,” they tell you.
Don’t say: “So, you’re having intermittent pain…”
Do say: “On and off all night?”
Why This Works
People’s own words really matter to them. "The way people talk is close to their soul," as linguist Nicholas Ostler put it.
When you use their words back to them, people feel heard and respected. When they’re no longer fighting to be heard, they become calmer.
Once they feel heard, they’ll stop going in circles and start answering your questions.
You prevent distracting and time-consuming disagreements (“That’s not quite what I meant”) which often arise over slight differences in wording.
Former top hostage negotiator Chris Voss calls using their words “the nearest thing the FBI has to a Jedi mind trick.”
When They Don’t Make Sense
Interestingly, you don’t need to know what the person actually means by their words for this to work.
In an emergency, people may be confused or overwhelmed. They may not be at their clearest or most lucid. They may mumble, or jumble their words.
And when you don’t know what they mean by what they say, you can ask - using their words!
Just repeat back the word or words with a curious, questioning tone. Or ask directly, “What kind of [their word] is that?”
When you use their words, you maintain the structure of what they’re talking about, too. You can ask questions like, “What kind of on and off?” or “What happened just before it went off?” and expect to get an answer.
You save both yourself and them the trouble of translating back and forth between your language and theirs, saving cognitive load. That matters in a crisis.
When To Paraphrase
Paraphrasing certainly has its place in a crisis. It’s important for checking that you have understood critical details.
You may also need to translate the person’s words into technical language, and to explain that’s what you’re doing.
But don’t start with paraphrasing.
Start with parrot phrasing.
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Love this, Judy. I’d push it one step further.
I'd add that using people’s exact words isn’t just good listening. It’s nervous-system literacy.
When we paraphrase too early, we often trigger a subtle threat response. A felt sense of status drops, certainty drops, and suddenly the conversation slows instead of speeds up. SCARF and trauma-informed practice explain why your “parrot phrasing” works so fast. People stop defending their meaning.
If its feasible to draw their words as a messy sketch, regulation deepens again. (This will be context dependent)
The cognitive load moves onto the page. The person isn’t just heard. They can see their thinking.
Polyvagal-wise, that shared visual becomes a co-regulation anchor.
Clean language + simple visuals = visible listening.
Not translating. Not fixing.
Just holding their structure steady enough for shared clarity to emerge.