Why some people get angry when you ask them Clean Language questions

I’m in the midst of teaching a group of NHS staff to use Clean Language questions in their conversations (alongside Steve McCann). Not in special coaching or therapy sessions, but in everyday situations – with colleagues, with patients, with other stakeholders – to help people to clarify what they mean by what they say.

As the students (members of the NHS South West End Of Life Network) have started to practice out ‘in the wild’, they’re coming up against a predictable problem. People don’t respond in the way they expect!

Some people look surprised. Some people look baffled. Some people ask, “What do you mean, ‘what kind of?'” And some even get angry: “I just told you! Stop asking me stupid questions!”

There are a couple of reasons this happens.

The first is that most people haven’t attended Clean Language classes! So they tend to believe that whatever they are thinking and feeling is just true, and that everyone else thinks and feels the same – or at least, that they should think and feel the same.

For these people, concepts like the subtleties of individual meaning-making, the way that everyone has their own unique set of assumptions about the world, the magic of individual metaphor, are still a closed book.

So if such a person says, “I had a lovely day,” and you ask them, “What kind of lovely?”, that’s a stupid question. It was “just lovely, OK?!”

The second reason is that people generally prefer people, relationships and behaviours to be consistent: broadly staying the same. When someone familiar behaves in a way you don’t expect, that can be very disconcerting.

If you thought you were going through a semi-ritual “How was your weekend?” exchange with a colleague, and suddenly you’re asked an unexpected question, you might feel wrong-footed, off balance, perhaps embarrassed and exposed.

My suggestions, which work well in both cases:

• Set the scene by saying something like, “I’m learning about how different people mean different things by the same words. So do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions about what you just said?”

• Introduce your question with a ‘softener’ such as “I’m curious…” or “I wonder…”

• Your tone of voice really matters. Keep it curious!

• If you get a baffled look, try waiting for a few seconds, with a curious look on your face. Maybe repeat your question.

• If you get an angry/frustrated response, be willing to explain yourself. Say something like, “People use the word ‘lovely’ to mean all kinds of different things, and I’d like to understand more about what it means for you because…”

These additions aren’t ‘classically Clean’, of course. Clean Language questions, ideally, are used on their own, with no additional words supplied by the questioner.

But even in their original therapy setting, Clean Language questions have context, whether that’s explicitly stated or implied. If a little scene-setting can help you get started with Clean Language, it’s well worth a try!

Guidelines: when you start to use Clean Language questions in conversation, I recommend limiting yourself to just a couple of questions at a time. And ‘go for the good stuff’ – ask about the kind of things people like or want more of (eg. ‘lovely’ rather than ‘horrible’!)

• Check out Six baby steps to start using Clean Language